I am fat and forty plus

Another light dims........

2010-01-27T14:42:00.003Z

This is not a fatty post but a post to remind me to live life to the full and to make sure I make the maximum use of every waking hour.......

Today another light dimmed – another star went up into the sky – my beautiful and fabulous Susan – a life whisked away too quickly by Cancer.

Susan who lit up a room and had a delicious laughter taken at 47 by breast cancer – a long a slow death which robbed her of looks and vitality.

But I’m still carrying in my head the night of your 40th when this was not on the horizon – when your snow blonde hair tumbled down your back, you had a beautiful green chiffon dress on and the highest heels a girl can wear – way to go girl – you literally had heads turning as we entered the restaurant – we danced the night away afterwards.........

So Susan I know your now sat with the other honourable roll call of Eileen, Julie, Nicky, Helen Lynn and Doreen free from pain and worry – as much as I’ll miss I’m so not ready to join you – but do tell the girls I’m having a ball doing all the things they never got a chance to do .........

Have fun ladies and Eileen I will soon be back to the old Vicki just for you xxxx

Cheers ........

We all have ideas about exercise..........

2010-01-27T14:14:00.003Z

My idea is its hell and should be avoided at all costs – so doing my daily 5K walk has been torture and has taken every ounce of motivation to get my feet on the floor and in trainers day after day.

Walking is good but in reality I would like to tone everywhere and feel a bit less jelly and flabby but I hate gyms due to past experience so I was thinking what should I do.

In 2003 I did the big annual charity Race for Life which is 5K and it’s a huge fund raiser for Cancer Research – being the competitive minx I actually joined a running club as I was no way coming in last and the park closed or a guy sweeping up the crowds rubbish up when I hobbled past the finish line. I did the running club two nights a week round Hyde Park which was great but so not me and I had a specific goal in mind – I did my race it took me 25 mins and I collected my medal – handed over the money and lay down on the sofa – never to run again.

So I have read all the PR/hype about Power Plates – my idea was you stood on a huge vibrating plate which wobbled the fat off and toned you up..........

NO

You actually work out around the plate so you do leg lunges with one leg on the vibrating plate - you use rubber bands and do bends on the plate – you lie on the floor with your feet up around the plate doing sit ups – you do press ups with your arms on the plate .......... your exhausted.

Yes I loved it – first reason was the instructor was very clear with her instructions – second each session lasts for a timed 30 seconds – third I could feel the immediate impact.

I also loved I was confided to one area and just concentrated on one piece of equipment and not having to remember each piece of equipments uses and how many pounds weight I needed and the sequence order – you do use props like a ball and hand weights and a Pilates ring but it’s with ease.

It was a full 30 minutes and for £20 excellent value – I’m hooked – oh and you don’t need expensive gym outfits – I had track suit bottoms, t-shirt and my socks ...... plus I walked from home.

I would highly recommend everyone have a go ....... I used Powertone Studios Battersea and Naydne is a wonderful instructor.

Lent.

2010-01-20T11:23:00.003Z

Easter is early this year – yes a movable feast on the religious calendar. So I have just been working out the dates for Lent – Ash Wednesday the first day of Lent is on the 17^th of February – normally I do something extra not forgo something during Lent .

So I’m now trying to think of a 40 day challenge which will stretch me and also make me a better person.

I have been doing a number of 21 days challenges which have worked as they are now part of my normal routine – like drinking 8 glasses of water – doing a brisk 5K walk – so 40 days is a natural next step and making me focus.

I think I might actually join a gym and get some one on one training which would really kick start me. I have decided to take up all the offers of the free one day trails – so I can actually see the gym in action and the faculties, plus the level of trainer standards. I have joined several gyms and paid a hefty sum of money and then had some pert size 0 girls / boy race through the programme and the next time I attend the gym is busting at the seams and the trainer does that rolling eyes look when I ask for assistance.......

Oh, trust me I will be giving up the obligatory chocolate for Lent but hopefully this year will not gorge on Easter Sunday with the mountain of Easter eggs.......

January – the first month of the year.......

2010-01-10T16:14:00.003Z

Plus the month of new / faddy diets and the buzz word detox.
In the major national papers over the last ten days I have counted at least 23 different diets – from just calorie counting to buying the latest rave book which guarantees you shed around 20lbs in two weeks if you follow their bizarre rituals!
I have noticed almost every night time advertisement on the TV is for some diet company, slimming bar / shake or gym or exercise product.......plus an upsurge in hypnotise tapes/ podcasts for slimming.
I know come June they will reappear again as we all attempt to get beach fit!
So I now think in my next life if I wish to make shed loads of money I need to get into the faddy diet business as people spend fortunes on the miracle cures which drop the weight in the quickest amount of time .........or maybe I need to work on getting a voice which doesn’t sound so girlish and more calming and has more authority “you will love your thighs and your lardy belly” ....... “move away from the fridge NOW!”

The weight didn’t appear overnight it piled on gradually mouthful by mouthful so how can it disappear quickly – so we want a quick fix because we have everything thing so instantly in this modern age –so weight loss should be the same.

Kick up the butt............

2010-01-08T09:44:00.001Z

After the excesses of Christmas and the lead up to it I realised I actually only had about 7 days off the wagon. I know I haven’t piled on all the weight I had lost so to get my mojo back I was wondering what I needed to do.

At the moment we are having very bad weather – snow , ice and frost so not really conducive for ramping up the exercise as I don’t want to fall or injure myself ......... plus I’ve never found a home exercise DVD I want to try out.

So I have just been watching a TV programme called My Big Fat Diet .......

There is a group of women trying to drop a dress size in two weeks by restricting their diet to 1200 calories a day – so I’m doing this and they have a very helpful website with calories etc and meal plans.

So tomorrow we are starting the kick start diet in this house – I thought if I start before the weekend it will help me avoid being “naughty “over the weekend.

The programme also opened a “pop up “ supermarket which had all the food as a 100 calories fresh and readymade – when you saw what proportions are actually 100 calories next to the container which is a meal for one which is actually called low cal/ low fat and equals around 800 calories !

Seeing the food in 100 calorie proportions was a big eye opener........

Grazing...........

2010-01-03T20:05:00.001Z

After the excess of Christmas we all embark on a detox/ diet/ exercise routine........ I’m sure #Detox will be a Twitter trend through January then #ifellofthewagon

I know I used to over indulge over Christmas with the idea come January 1st I would become a complete health nut and start a healthy eating regime but since I have hit forty without fail all my good intentions have fallen by the wayside come the end of the 1st week.

Partly because I was so unrealistic and also because I looked at the scales and thought “OMG how much have I got to lose” plus when I have tried the gym it’s busting with other folk all doing the same thing so queues a mile long – short but crappy explanations by spin dry gym bunnies who have that sneering look of skinny 20+ who think “I’ll never get that fat or let myself go that far” so all the new gym clothes/ shoes go in the new gym bag under the bed and gather dust.
So what’s different for 2010- first I started my diet in September after taking stock of my life and where it was going also not having the pressure of January and a definite start date the 1st!

Also I looked at what makes me put on weight and I realised normally I still have a mountain of excess food in the cupboards and fridge so waste not want not and either try and eat it all before the 1st ......... or try and ignore it !
So after all the buzz and disrupted routine of the festive break and going from gluttony to starvation and this delicious food calling from the cupboard or staring at me from the fridge when I go in for my lettuce leaves – no extra buying – none of the “just in case food” .........

Plus as it’s cold at night and suddenly all the new TV series start that’s when the grazing starts – in the adverts you jump up and put the kettle on and then you open the fridge for the milk and hey a small slice of cake isn’t going to kill the diet ....... or maybe two biscuits – or a bowl of trifle ...... the list is endless.

So no excess food = no grazing ............ the down side is I now have a ton of excess energy so at 7pm on a Sunday night I have just cleaned under and behind all the domestic appliances in the kitchen – you could eat your dinner of the floor under my dishwasher ......... just need to channel this energy !

Bored, bored, bored............

2010-01-01T20:43:00.001Z

Out of my tiny mind ...... in August I had a month of work – I just shut down shop and reflected and thought about my life.

I’m bored and unhappy and overweight – nothing like going away and seeing yourself in a long mirror in your bikini – I stay in a beautiful apartment with a very private balcony so no one else can see my blubber – besides the resort is aimed at the older more discerning visitor – so for around the last 4 years I have joked well it’s younger and slightly firmer than the other residents...

So Giens is where I have my light bulb moment – drawn breath and plan my coming year – I do my New Year resolutions in August not January – always ahead of the pack. August is a dead month nothing happens so instead of waiting for something to happen – going away allows me time to think of things I want to happen.

So first off why am I bored – well life is not challenging and because I’m not stretched but drained – drained by loads of passive aggressive in my life – drained by toxic folk leeching off me – drained by no excitement ...... also drained by feeling not myself.

So I embarked on a long term plan and since then life has got better. I’m a girl who always has to have a Plan A B C D E and so on – taking the helicopter view.

Plan A – remove the toxic folk and the passive aggressive people who have those tinny voices which just drone on about why they can’t do anything but always seem to put the damper on your natural enthusiasm and thoughts – so if you’re about to do something exciting, nerve wracking you can’t have folk whinging on how you could fail before you have started.

Plan B – get my life back so to this end I have retired from my former life and I am about to start on a new and exciting retail venture. I’m on day one technically and after walking the dog and making some soup ...... retirement sucks much over rated.

Plan C – must look good as I have decided as no one speaks directly to or sells to women over 40 about fashion/ beauty / accessories then I will – but if you’re going to stand up and shout your mouth off you need to feel good.....and know you look your best. So knowing that trying to shift around 28lbs wasn’t going to happen overnight I started in September and then really got my mojo going in October.

Yes over the last eight days as I kissed good bye to my former life and embraced Christmas I did eat Betty Crocker French Vanilla cake and eat Quality Street – well Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without the green triangle but I’m back on track and raring to go ........ because deep down I’m vain and yes being vain makes you lose weight and I know if I feel good I’ll make a success of my new business .......

So life is precious so on with the diet and exercise and as Mark Twain said "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So, throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in you sails."

Betty – why have you entered my dreams.......?

2009-12-15T23:46:00.002Z

I have noticed in the build up to Christmas the amount of “stuff “we buy ..... Extra nuts, crisps, chocolates and even silly things like different preserves and chutneys........ All of this food is just in case...
Just in case someone comes round.
Just in case we run out
Just in case the shops never open again
Just in case there is no more food left in the shops........

Then come March you look in the cupboards when your spring cleaning and you find a stash of just in case food which gets given to charity as no one wants to eat it or it will not make a meal.

This weekend I went in to the West End of London to look at the shops for research and the major iconic shops in London have pulled out all the stops and most windows had a dazzling array of goods from clothes to jewellery and home ware and food.

Selfridges had this amazing window and nestling in the middle of the massive display was a box – Betty Crocker French Vanilla cake mix .......... I was drooling almost licking the window – thankfully the shop didn’t open for another two hours.

Why – I do love vanilla and the picture of the cake looked so delicious all the way home all I could think of was Betty and her cake ........

So maybe I’m not buying all the just in case food this Christmas but Betty is coming over Christmas as I do feel I deserve a treat and I think Betty would make me so happy on Boxing Day watching old films on the sofa ...... plus she would be handy just in case a visitor came ?

Well it made me laugh.........

2009-12-10T11:04:00.002Z

One of the nice bit’s about Christmas are the surprise gifts you receive from companies you have done work with.

Yesterday I had a wonderful bar of handmade chocolate delivered from Livingstone Partners – a huge slab of “Billy Banka” chocolate and yes in some of the bars a “golden ticket “for a trip to Madrid

I didn’t win the trip to Madrid but I loved the chocolate.
So I’m on a diet and I ate it – go on bite me!

Enough already..........

2009-12-10T10:57:00.001Z

Last Sunday I went to my local supermarket just for a few items we had forgotten – like teabags and some extra milk ...........Waitrose like most supermarkets have two sizes of trolley and a basket.
I opted for the small trolley even though I was buying a few items so I could put the rest of my shopping & handbag in the trolley. There was an abundance of the small trolleys normally they are like gold dust as most people opt for these unless they are buying for a large family.
I hit the aisle and was just going up and down two for my milk, teabags and some bread ......meanwhile all around people were lingering over every shelf and chilled cabinet and piling food into their large trolleys- we are talking all kinds of food you only see during the holiday period like fresh white sauce for Christmas puddings and duck fat in tubs and then all kinds of nuts and snacks in lurid packets.
It’s like food voyeurism looking in peoples trolley’s I often do this – it may be judgemental or totally off the mark but looking at peoples food when they load onto the conveyer belt – “single, divorced guy with a chicken, dry roasted peanuts, bottle of Scotch and a six pack of bear “– widow “cat food and a piece of frozen fish and a prepared salad and some rice pudding” ........
But looking at the mountains being built in trolleys of bumper packs of snacks , pre made Yorkshire puddings, Turkey gravy , tins of chocolate you have to think there are nearly twenty days to Christmas – so twenty days of more food and gift shopping ....... plus all the “just in case” shopping we do. I couldn’t guess what they were doing other than laying in for an apocalypse or a siege.

So why every year do we buy all this food which we either feel forced to eat or we have to “offer i.e. force” other people to eat and then come the 2nd of January feel out of shape and overweight ..... Which is bound to happen as every available dish and surface with have a bowl of nibbles, chocolates, crisps?
So this week when I do my quick run round the supermarket will I see the same local people buying even more fun food and drinks and produce – I wonder if their fridges and freezers have any room to hold any more – I’m betting they will be back.
For many years I was this woman with the big trolley and yes in the New Year all my clothes were tight and I felt uncomfortable but now I’m restraining myself as I know I can happily graze at other folks houses as they will be pressing food on me due to their overstuffed cupboards and fridges/ freezers.
With over 45% of the population overweight or on a diet in the UK and half the world starving when do we say enough already.

Where is the laughter?

2009-12-06T19:40:00.002Z

For a girl who has always had the glass overflowing, the eternal optimist ....... daydreamer extraordinaire this last two weeks I‘ve had this feeling of drowning in my own overflowing glass of optimism.

So not like me!

I have had this feeling that I’m running 4 hours late – that feeling you have when you oversleep for an important meeting and you don’t have time to wash your hair, you ladder your tights getting dressed and can’t find another pair in that colour so have to rethink the outfit and then miss the train by a nano second.... and you never catch up all day plus you look and feel crap all day.

Well it’s been like that for me and on two days had a knock on effect on my diet – thankfully I got home in the evening and checked into Spark People and retrieved the situation and put it into perspective so didn’t continue down the road to crappy eating ......... you know the one where you think to hell with it one super large pizza with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s will just finish off the crap day and then you lie in bed filled with self loathing and bloated.........

The other thing is I turned quite introverted and just went into my shell which is quite unlike me- so this week I slowed the pace right down and did a big review of all my routines and work and just every area of my life.

I went through my diary for December “the season to be jolly” looked at the schedule and thought where is the laughter? So all the dreary meetings are out , plus all the meetings with people who are booked in “just because we need to catch up before Christmas “ – I thought actually if truth be known I don’t like you 11 months of the year so why do I have to suffer you just because Christmas is coming .......?

Mean I know but hey I’m Santa’s naughty elf and I have to use that time to work off the illegal Starbucks eggnog latte (350 calories) I had twice.........

One Girl Revolution .......

2009-12-06T18:55:00.000Z

I wear a disguise
I'm just your average Jane
The super doesn't stand for model
But that doesn't mean I'm plain
If all you see is how I look
You miss the super chick within
And I christen you titanic underestimate and swim
I've got the rifle gonna be myself
I've got the rifle gonna be myself
I've got the rifle gonna be myself
I've got the rifle gonna be myself
(CHORUS)
And I'll be everything that I wanna be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot, bang, that you hear round the world

And I'm a one girl revolution

I'm a one girl revolution
I'm a one girl revolution

Some people see the revolution but most only see the girl
I can lose my hard earned freedom if my fear defines my world
I declare my independence from the critics and their stones
I can find my revolution I can learn to stand alone...

And I'll be everything that I want to be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot, bang, that you hear round the world...

And I'm a one girl revolution

I'm a one girl revolution
I'm a one girl revolution

(And I'm a one girl revolution

I'm a one girl revolution

And I'm a one girl revolution)

And I'll be everything that I wanna be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot, bang, that you hear round the world

Everything that I want to be
I am confidence in insecurity
I am a voice yet waiting to be heard
I'll shoot the shot, bang, that you hear round the world

And I'm a one girl revolution
I'm a one girl revolution

Pedometer......

2009-11-23T12:55:00.002Z

As I have decided to do a 21 day challenge covering 5K I have bought a pedometer? In the past I have bought them for a few pounds and they have been useless so I decided as I’m taking this seriously I would invest in a decent one.

I bought a Gaiam Walking Fit Kit which has a pedometer and a disc to talk you through this by Debbie Rocker.

Right the pedometer comes with useless instructions and has way to many gadgets on it for instance I have a small tiny torch, a panic alarm and then a calorie burner and you can set your stride ...... the “audio” CD has to be heard at least 4 times and it lasts 45 minutes ...........

So after much frustration I have drafted in daughter who works everything out but in that annoying way where she does it and just hands it back to you.

Now I had plotted out my route on the handy function on Spark People and I know I’m covering 5K as I have run round the park for Race For Life and it’s a 5K race but last night on the inaugural walk with Biggie it said I have covered 2.5K ... in fact the route I took would have been nearer 6K ....... so go figure and I only burned 95 calories .....

So I’m ignoring about 90% of these functions and just using it to measure steps and hopefully this afternoon when we have a spare hour I’ll work out how it measures my stride as I have a large stride & the reading is a little more accurate ......

Okay I wasn’t a saint ..........

2009-11-19T13:15:00.004Z

I went to a big industry awards event last night I had a wonderful evening.

I felt good about myself which was a big first in a long time – I had actually a choice of two dresses in the end as I have obviously lost some more weight and my hair did the right thing so all was good in my tiny world when I left the house .

When I got to the hotel I saw loads of friends who I haven’t seen for a few months and everyone commented on how well I looked and “had I lost weight “ ........

I feel like myself I feel like the old Vicki is returning to life ...........and yes I had the pudding and some of the chocolates and I did bring a doggie bag home for Alice of the lovely Selfridges truffles (old habits are hard to break)

But the highlight of evening was a “magic photo booth “ it was part of the entertainment and you sat in pressed a green button and then one for air to blow out and music played and you could pose – boy did I pose on my own and with my friends ........ We had a blast.

In the pictures you see the real me – the old Vicki full of life camera kissing not hidden at the back hoping no one will notice me or just seeing my head and body hidden ..........
So Santa if you read this please can I have a photo booth for Christmas I promise to be a good girl all through 2010 xxx

What is at stake?

2009-11-17T16:39:00.002Z

I realised it would be helpful for me to know precisely why weight loss was so important to ME.

The real “why here and why now” question. I also thought if I wrote it down it would provide me with a reminder if I felt like flagging or dropping of the wagon – plus it would focus my mind.

So when I’ve been down or felt wobbly I’ve looked at my stake list and it’s reenergised me.

Vicki.........
• I wanted to get back into my old clothes.
• I didn’t want to buy another “ugly “dress or blouse and top.
• I wanted to stop buying shoes and home accessories like cushions because I can’t buy clothes.
• I wanted to stop feeling so tired and drained.
• I’m vain and wanted to look nice in pictures not the “fatty hidden at the back”
• I wanted to like myself again ........
• I want to look extremely hot when I hit 50 ...... head turning hot.

Six dresses, six dinners and six pounds.......

2009-11-15T17:56:00.007Z

As a fashion freak to solve my own dilemma while dieting and not get so disheartened and spend money foolishly. I have got two dresses which I rotate for work and I’m using all the shoes and accessories I have forked out for in an effort to make myself better to change their look.

But the festive season is approaching fast and on the run up to Christmas I eat more at the Grosvenor House Hotel on Park Lane than my own kitchen besides all the soiree’s and drinks events I have to attend.

So I have just delved into the back of the “magic cave” aka the wardrobe and brought out six dresses – they are all slightly smaller than each other so I have tried each one on and worked out a dress for each function plus accessories now each dress will require me to lose weight for it to be comfortable. So by the last event I’ll need to be at least six pounds lighter..........than I weigh now.

This will solve the dilemma of me spending money on a dress I don’t really like but I “have to buy it as I’ve nothing to wear which fits” plus all the dresses are very beautiful and were very expensive so being recessionista chic it will also solve the annual problem of “sod it I’ll diet in the New Year” and just keep on growing.

I’m trying fashion as my biggest incentive......with a huge dollop of vanity .........and commonsense.

Is your friend fat? Then don’t tell her

2009-11-15T16:44:00.002Z

In the Sunday Times there is an article which caught my eye “Is your friend fat? Then don’t tell her.” The writer Shane Watson says no never tell your friend she is tubby – but I have no idea if Ms Watson is chubby as there is only a head shot in the Times?

According to a survey in conjunction with National Obesity Week, women don’t like their friends telling them they are fat and one in 20 has ended a friendship after being told they were overweight.

Now as I have inch by inch grown and moaned I would rather a friend say “hey Vicki you’re starting to pack a bit of weight ....... what’s happening” instead of me just inching up on clothes size.

This summer oversized blooms were all the rage, either on corsages or prints and being a big fashion freak I took to the look. I went to a wedding wearing a very loud floral coat with bag and a tone of matching pink plain dress underneath and plain shoes...... I looked good in my head but looking at the wedding pictures I looked like someone’s Laura Ashley chair on the rampage – I was so big looking someone could have climbed aboard and had a nap ......plus as it was a fashionista a wedding others had nodded to the trend and looked amazing......

Do I think my friendships are so shallow that they couldn’t be honest and say “lay of the Ben & Jerry’s sweetheart you’re looking a bit large”. I may have been a little defensive at first but I think if they had the bottle to be an honest friend then I should look to my expanding tummy......

What do you think?

Line in the sand...........

2009-11-15T14:43:00.005Z

I often wonder what makes other women draw the line in the sand and actually get down to the business of losing weight and maintaining their weight in a sensible manner and embracing all the aspects of diets.

Let’s face it we do the “I’ll start on Monday or after the holidays etc.....” or we may start every Monday for a month with good intentions but by 4pm have blown the “diet” with half a packet of digestives or we pick a diet with such rigid food intake or bizarre food combinations with either have to become a hermit or we just chuck in the towel on day three due to feeling nausea at our own breath or we have no energy to dice cucumber into a cup and eat it with a cocktail stick just like the diet tells you too.

Mine was my meltdown in the changing room at M&S where I was looking for a dress that would “slim me” the dress with the magic bullet to dissolve fat has yet to be invented so why I was rushing round the racks of M&S on the Kings Road is beyond me.
I think it was the harsh reality of there is no such dress ........... Plus there never will be and if I wanted to look slimmer I had to be slimmer so I needed to get a grip and not just get all angry and hit the food hall next door and buy a £10 3 course meal deal with pudding thrown in.

So Sunday 4th of October was my line in the sand day ......

Its 8lbs down and less of the belly jelly roll.

2009-11-13T10:40:00.003Z

This is week four of the belly picture and yes putting it up in cyber space has made me think about how much I want to lose weight and how I hate my jelly rolls/ love handles........

I have not taken pills/ shakes/ bars- I have just cut out all the rubbish I also take my glasses to the supermarket and read what is in each item I buy looking at all the hidden ingredients.

I have reduced the mountains of carb’s I devoured on a daily basis and I’m now eating fresh seasonal vegetables daily as a main meal......

I have been blogging on Spark People about why I have put on weight and what has stopped me losing weight – the answer to that is – one I eat badly which piled on the weight and the reason I just grew and grew was I was lazy.

I would start every week off with good intentions but it would fall by the way side and there would be a million excuses like my work schedule or something why the weight went on and not off.

So 8lbs down and four weeks in not huge massive weight loss but I feel better about myself and my clothes are fitting .......there is more to go but I do know by taking action now I’m not going into the Christmas holidays fat and going to go into 2010 fatter .....

I know there is not a “magic bullet” out there which will make me a skinny bitch it’s down to me thinking about what I put in my mouth every time I open it.

Life is like a Roller Coaster.You can either squeeze your eyes shut & hold on tight until it's over or let go,throw your hands up in the air & scream

2009-11-12T19:15:00.004Z

Someone sent me this comment the other day and I thought how true and I then thought I’ve always been the fearless one – leap without the safety net – jump right in but recently I have been holding back and I have had this voice in my head say “when I have lost some weight I will do that or go there or feel better .....”
Which is ridiculous?

It’s not like I’m walking round in a huge fat suit which people mock me for in the street or I’m letting acres of flesh hang out and I’m in appropriately dressed for my size ..... But it has really been inhibiting me in so many ways

So this week I have made a list of all the things I have put off due to the voice and I’m hanging up my “fat suit” and getting on with life and in case you want to know I’m the girl who “throws her hands in the air and screams with her eyes wide open savoring every moment of the thrill ....”

Going to bed hungry......

2009-11-10T21:02:00.003Z

No I’m not Oliver Twist in the workhouse in Dickensian times asking for more.

I have emptied the cupboards and fridge of all the forbidden food like Nuttella chocolate spread, peanuts, crisps and yes chocolate and cakes..... The food that have caused the inches to creep on my body. Prior to starting my diet I kept a food diary for two weeks mapped out hour by hour and yes I work long hours and most of it is either sat in front of a laptop or going to breakfast meeting , lunch meetings or drinks events with canapés – always involving food.

So armed with my trusty pink Moleskine I made notes........ OMG do I snack.

I start the day off healthy with granola or porridge and then by 10am it descends into a farce with the odd chuck of chocolate or biscuit and then by 4pm I need a sugar surge to get me through till 6pm when I finish work....
By 11pm it’s just carnage – a list of wholemeal toast with Nuttella spread or honey, a small bag of Maltesers , 12 mouth sized canapés loaded with carb’s and fat ....... 4 large dry white wines ....

So I go to bed full loaded and for the first hour just toss and turn and feel uncomfortable – now I’m on my weight loss mission all these foods have disappeared and I’m eating sensibly and I’m having slow release carb’s which mean I don’t have the sugar high and crash ...... I am monitoring everything.

So yes I’m going to bed hungry but not OMG I could eat my own arm hungry – it’s just because my body is adjusting to the fact at 11pm it’s not having two rounds of toast all be it wholemeal bread and dripping with honey.

Yes I’m dropping straight off to sleep and I’m not waking up like I have barely slept........
The other big pointer was as I was on a constant sugar high or crash I had no energy for exercise or even the thought of a brisk walk round the park.... So the intake of junk was high and no exertion to burn the intake off....

Now I do a daily brisk walk and I’m burning off the intake of healthy food which in turn has helped me sleep better.

When is a friend not a friend?

2009-11-10T20:23:00.003Z

Right I have to say this for the last few years I have steadily gained weight – it’s been an enjoyable time with cakes and candy and chips, and mashed potatoes and lovely crusty meat pies.... I can truly say I have not hated one moment of this..... But mouthful by mouthful I have added to my waist inch by inch.

So for someone who lives, sleeps, and dreams fashion this has been disastrous for my wardrobe. I know you can say well plus sized clothes are great now and I have to agree the age of the tent and caftan are over and companies like Ann Harvey have some wonderful clothing – but I like my own clothes I just need to fit into them again.

So in the past when I have embarked on weight loss programmes I have told people “oh I can’t eat that I’m on a diet “or “I’m not having carb’s “or “don’t get me a cake I’m on nil by mouth” and then you get all the comments about you don’t need to lose weight or you look fabulous or because your tall and always wear heels you can carry the weight.

What I like carrying around an extra two and a half stone = 35pounds ...... no I don’t let me tell you loud and clear I hate having this huge welt of fat underneath by bra – I hate tugging my blouse down as the buttons gape – I can’t stand seeing myself sideways on as I look “portly” ......

The people who comment are invariably very skinny & I mean skinny. They are the mates who shovel chips down next to you or order extra side orders yet never gain an inch or a bulge ...... so are they really a friend or do they just like you the way you are?

Because if they were a friend they would see behind this happy pie scoffing face actually I’m not happy ....... my self confidence has plummeted, I feel anxious and hold back at social gatherings due to my consciousness about my size where before I was the life and soul of the party.
So now the only people who know about my diet are other dieters as they understand my motivation – I might be telling the world about my weight loss and the journey but the people who read it are fellow dieters......

Lesson of the big fat decade never announce you’re on a diet.........let the pounds off speak for themselves so no well meaning sabotage from skinny friends!

Pink elephant in the room...........

2009-11-10T19:49:00.002Z

When is a compliment not a compliment?

I have been working very hard on my weight loss over the last 6 weeks – I have seriously looked at all areas of my life – I have committed myself one hundred percent to losing weight and also changing my eating habits and moving towards my older years as a healthier person.
So today I saw someone who I haven’t seen in months and the first words were “you look really well and have you lost a load of weight”.

My almost instance response was “ thanks and yes I have” ...... but for some reason I had to think about it and just answered “ it’s work in progress “ .......

Yes I have lost weight but my face is the same and my hair is the same ....... and I had my “cocoon dress” on. So I didn’t look skinny just me Vicki.

As I left the meeting I was thinking “so the last time he saw me in April on an unseasonal warm day I was in a dress with no coat, did I look huge and bloated or a mess?”

So my question is – “is it really a compliment when people comment on your weight loss? Do we all secretly size people up and equate weight loss and slimness with health?”

I now wonder if I have inadvertently offended people by asking about their weight or am I being touchy and I should be pleased he noticed.

Routine and habits......

2009-11-08T16:59:00.004Z

No I’m talking about a chocolate habit or a secret biscuit habit – they are vices not habits!
I’m talking about food shopping habits as we all have to multitask due to lack of hours and time constraints we now have a wonderful place we visit either in person or online the supermarket – I would never in a million years have thought I would say in the same sentence wonderful & supermarket.

In the UK we have:
1. Tesco.
2. Asda (Wal-Mart).
3. Sainsbury’s.
4. Morrison’s.
5. Waitrose.

I can say that all supermarkets are laid out almost identical as you walk in you hit the fresh vegetables and fruit and then you move to diary and then meat, dried/ tinned and beverages and then cleaning products with bread somewhere in the middle and the far end the booze ....
So you walk round with your trolley and either a mental list because you buy the same stuff week in week out or you have the back of an old Christmas card with bits on you need because your either entertaining or on a diet and you need items off your normal route.

So I hit fruit and vegetables and I think okay need to diet (why am I having this thought in a supermarket surrounded by food) and reach for the lettuce, tomatoes, spring onions..... or I might see a vegetable bag and think okay let’s make a hearty , filling but low calorie soup ......... but the vegetable bags always have a swede or turnips in – I hate those boiled –I like them mashed with butter or boiled and then roasted in the case of turnips but not diced in a soup . But I buy the bag anyway because I’m dieting and its winter.

So why do I only plan what I’m eating when I’m entertaining or I have to buy 36 grapefruits and 48 eggs because I’m on some strange diet ? I now know I buy food out of habit we all more or less have a retinue of dishes we serve weekly like spaghetti Bolognese, sausage & mash, meat pie, carrots and mash....nothing wrong with that unless you look at the key accessory to the dish CARB’s....

I still buy to suit a family and a growing child ....... but I’m not feeding a family and my child is 22 and can cook herself.
Plus I now realised my cooking is not very adventurous I either boil stuff to death and / or mash it with butter and seasoning because I have potatoes in 90% of my diet?

So I found The Cook's Encyclopaedia of Vegetables on the shelf unused and I’m taking seasonal vegetables and doing something different with them so today I have done celeriac gratin which wasn’t difficult as I had all the key ingredients in it was easy to make and very filling and no carb’s I could have added potatoes and in a previous life the potatoes slices would have outnumbered the celeriac slices ......tomorrow I’m having kale.

I’m taking what is seasonal and making it work and Alice hasn’t wasted away in a corner though lack of nourishment she too is learning new dishes and maybe she will not just have the carbohydrate cooking gene – it could bypass her and her waistline!

What’s your biggest test?

2009-11-06T21:55:00.003Z

The scales or your clothes........

I have thrown away our scales as we live in a Victorian flat and the floor is never level even in the bathroom which I have had tiled so I decided after much frustration and running round the flat trying different spots to bin them and be weighed at the doctors on their flat floor and calibrated scales – which did cause a shock as at the first weigh in I was 10lbs heavier than my own had registered..... I had guessed this as all my clothes were tight in fact I was busting out.

This brings me onto my beloved wardrobe of which 99% is un-wearable. I love white blouses nothing makes me feel good better than a crisp white shirt and a neat skirt but now I’m constantly tugging at the front as the middle buttons strain due to my ever expanding bust.

I have now ventured into the wardrobe which has seemed like a “dark cave” of despair in the last few months and tried on a blouse and it’s only slightly straining. So I think by next week I should be on track back into an expanded wardrobe instead of my two standby dresses.

I also have my eye on this wonderful dress at Thomas Pink ...... it’s just calling to me when I’m back to my fighting weight ........

So how do I really motivate myself?

2009-11-05T23:16:00.004Z

I was thinking I’m going this diet and exercise a big 6 week push – so for 45 days (six weeks) I’m making self accountable.

1. Remember that it’s only for six weeks out of your life. You won’t have to be this strict forever.

2. Remember that, after every low, there will be a high. So, if you feel terrible one day, the chances are you’ll feel better the next day.

3. Remember how proud you’re going to be of yourself at the end of six weeks and how happy you’ll be when you can fit back into your old jeans.

4. If you’re feeling as if you’re on the verge of giving up use your wild card and treat yourself. Just don’t let it kick off a downward spiral.

5. Stick the worst photo you can find of yourself on the fridge and look at it every time you wonder what you’re doing it for.

Exercise video’s.........

2009-11-04T09:05:00.003Z

So you can buy a plethora of home exercise video’s which are usually a money making scheme for some B rate actress / singer whose agent has said “honey looking a bit chunky so not able to get the parts for you now” so they drop off the radar do a drastic diet – think air and fag ash only and then go to some opening or premier and next day it’s all over the press how slim and fabulous they look and there is always a before and after shot.

So their agent says “let’s do an exercise DVD showing the gullible how you got rid of your unwanted pounds off.”Yes, the exercise DVD market must be colossal as you can buy one called the “hot pant work out “.... I’m sure some 20 year old with a skinny butt has busted that out in her bedroom.
As I’m forty plus I wouldn’t even buy this from Amazon so I have bought various ones to do with yoga and the good Swiss ball.

The Swiss ball how many have I bought and then watched them slowly deflate on top of the wardrobe ....... lost count. Now how do you follow a video telling you how to get killer abs while balancing on a Swiss ball ..........answers on a post card. Also how graceful is it to be lying across this ball wobbling and swerving all over with your tush in the air .........NOT.
Okay I have also tried yoga videos but they assume you have done yoga and you understand all the different types of yoga there are – your Hatha from your hardcore Ashtanga.

As there is a huge population over 40 who are looking for the “magic bullet “ as regards exercise maybe someone who is not some desperate actress or singer do an exercise video aimed at the unfit, non exercising woman who wants to stand in her front room or bedroom and get into her groove and get a hint of killer abs they would have a blockbuster .

If I lost a pound......

2009-11-03T22:22:00.004Z

For every pound I have spent on diet books, exercise books or diet ingredients I could go on a world cruise.

I went through and pulled out all these books on Sunday and sat on the sofa with them spilling of the coffee table – if that accounted for effort in the dieting industry I should have lost a substantial amount of weight. I should have the body of a super model.

I then started reading through and I came to a few conclusions why the diet industry is a major money earner for the business involved and why they don’t tap into the women over forty who need help.

First the diet books – when you start there is long preface and they tell you amazing stories but they also point out you must follow this diet like a strict religion otherwise you’ll not lose the weight. So you look at how the days are laid out ....... your stomach then sinks not shrinks at the strange and weird food you have to buy and the big list of don’t even inhale food and the short list of what you can eat. So you buy all this food and you then start but they always have something which is your daily crutch you have to abstain from like tea or coffee. You eat the nine eggs a day and twelve grapefruits and you have one or two cups of tea – well let’s face it skimmed milk and zero calories in tea can’t add weight. By the Sunday when you have either never-ending flatulence and/ or breath which could strip paint and/ or your bloated due to your chronic constipation and/ or huge headache you jump on the scales expecting them to swing wildly to the left and marked weight loss and nothing or you have gained 2lbs.

So you sit on the bed and think WHY..... I only had two cups of tea or coffee and I ate all nine eggs and twelve grapefruits..... No weight loss so you go back and fiddle with the scales and jump on nothing changes......

Why do we do this – why do put ourselves through this? Because the book said if we ate nine eggs etc; or just lived on jellied eels we would see a dramatic difference........ Did our weight dramatically appear at the end of one week - had we piled on nearly a stone – no it was mouthful by mouthful? So why do we think that by eating the most obnoxious combination in the world for a week will we suddenly revert back to pre 40 years figure?

Just because some Hollywood superstar has said she used this diet and she shed half her bodyweight in two weeks do we think in downtown Battersea it will work – do I have a personal chef and trainer – do I have to be buff so I can bank a $40 million movie deal – no it’s all a big con.

Next slimming clubs and the industry they have spawned – Good old Wendy Shanker said something which rang so true with me:
“Someone at a Weight Watchers meeting always asks this kind of question “If I eat three tomatoes instead of two how do I account for those points? Should I use my optional calories, or........?” Now points are confusing. But you and I know that the problem is probably excess pop tarts not excess tomatoes .Very few of us end up at Weight Watchers because we overdid it on the fruits and veggies.
However, major weight loss programmes would not be successful business models if they helped you lose weight and maintain that loss. Think about it .If you joined one of those programmes the first time , lost the weight and kept it off, you would not have to keep giving them money and going back again and again to try to get down and down and down.”

She is right in 2008 the annual turnover was $1,535.8M with a growth of 4.7% and a net profit of $204.3M not flabby figures.

But you also buy into the lifestyle, scales, snacks, frozen foods, tinned food everything branded so you live and eat the Weight Watcher lifestyle – a long way from Jean Nidetch a housewife having her friends round to motivate each other to diet. But the offered “lifestyle “diet is the same if your 20 years old or 90 years old – I’m sorry when I was in my 20’s and 30’s and I needed to lose a few pounds or a stone I just went salad, salad and no puddings and maybe skipped a few meals and hey presto the weight and some more fell off. Now I’m forty it sticks like glue – it will not budge.

Exercise ............. oh yes exercise.

You know the real equation for weight loss is less food + exercise = weigh loss its simple really eat healthily and exercise.

So I have books on exercise – think about that exercise means you physically have to do something and what do I do buy a book to read. My favourite book is “The Red Carpet Workout” by celebrity trainer Joe Fournier. You know why I bought this book not because I’m secretly being nominated for an Oscar no it said “The Ultimate diet for lazy girls who want to look fabulous in 6 weeks” hey that’s me I’m fabulous and forty – no it’s not first they assume you’re already a spin dry gym bunny and you can run like a honed athlete and you can also do lunges and press ups – me! What’s a lunge? I can lunge at cake or food but other than that I’m at a loss. The only good thing is the print is huge so one sitting and I’ll have it read.........

I have books on running , yoga and getting motivated for exercise I have only read the opening pages with a cup of tea and a piece of cake and then thought no ............
So if someone wants to make money write a book aimed at the over 40’s as the majority of people living in the UK are over 40. Talk to us we will buy your book and we do want to slim.

Weight & love........

2009-11-03T19:41:00.003Z

I was thinking I’m very meticulous about my grooming, my clothing and how I present myself to the world. I always look well turned out.

Now in my mind I feel hideous I never quite feel just right........

As you ever so slowly but quietly pile on the pounds and they melt on round your waist, stomach and thighs you slowly begin to hate yourself – because you get angry.

Some fabulous dress which once made you feel and look like a million dollars now no longer fits or hangs wrong and makes you conscious of those silent pounds which have crept on.

So as you haven’t noticed them at first you don’t get a serious grip plus you’re busy and the feeling of one more Mr Kipling fondant fancy will not kill you........ But it is it’s killing yourself confidence your self esteem.

This is where the spiral of despair comes in because YOU start to fall out of love with YOU – no one else does it’s just you and then one more fondant fancy as your already fat isn’t going to bust your pants or frock and it’s only a mouthful. But one mouth full turns into four and then five.

So the vows start next week I’ll get a grip and I’ll sort this out once and for all – but you don’t one day of some strange dramatic weight loss diet is blown to smithereens because you have to have lunch out due to work or you have to go to a cocktail party. So by day two the diet is blown and then you just think sod it and blow out until you have to squeeze into something or you’re on the bed surrounded by discarded clothes and shoes crying because you’ve nothing to wear.

So you keelhaul your tubby frame into an outfit and pull yourself together and off you go but feeling more and more angry with yourself.

So what makes you turn round and think I must love myself again and stop this angry eating.

“The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life.......”

2009-11-01T15:38:00.001Z

I love this book and I can’t remember why I had removed it from my bedside reading.
Wendy Shanker is very witty and very observational – she invites people of all shapes, sizes and dissatisfactions to trade self loathing for self tolerance.
I love her take on the media madness, corporate greed and even how your loved ones chip away at your self confidence.
I really rate this book and think everyone who is on a weight journey loss needs to read this not only to know you’re not alone with your problem but how to overcome everyday hurdles and images.

The “Magic Knickers”

2009-11-01T14:42:00.002Z

I got these Lytess pedal pushers in a goodie back.

Apparently they are filled with Caffeine and Sea Butter capsules which when you wear them know inches off your hips and thighs.

I should also imagine they work with a diet so you can’t think they are the equivalent of Harry Potter’s cloak wear them and they will just gnaw away at your flesh while you gorge on cakes and fried food.

I have now measured my hips and thighs so let’s see what happens over 15 days of continuous wear.
Hips: 44 inches
Thighs: 24inches

I will also add they are very comfortable to wear and don’t bit in to my acres of flesh causing me discomfort.

A night out with a snarling Chihuahua......

2009-10-30T09:33:00.003Z

I had a lovely evening at Drapers saw lots of old colleagues and friends – we are a big happy fashion family.

I did have some nice tiny canapés but I wasn’t the blimp stood by the kitchen door clearing the trays as they appeared .......... way too much champagne.

I also felt good about myself my dress wasn’t tight and I enjoyed myself.
I roared with laughter in the cab home as the goodie bag had a huge bar of chocolate which I gave to the cabbie and then I saw a pair of Lytess slimming pedal pushers.

They reduce your hips and thighs in 18 days with their caffeine and Shea butter capsules – the only trouble is I’ll have to slim some more to feel the benefit I got the small / medium size.

Apparently they can knock 5.5cm (2 inches) off your hips and 3.1cm (1 inch) off your thigh – I’ll keep you posted .

Night out........

2009-10-30T09:09:00.004Z

Tonight I’m off to Drapers the fashion industry bible “Great British Fashion Event” one of those nights money can’t buy where we celebrate the great British fashion businesses.

So Marks and Spencer is 125 years old and Selfridges the iconic department store is 100 and the young fashion brand New Look has just hit 40 so obviously fabulous.
So had to get a new dress and shoes........ Shoes okay I’ll get those first as I can work the outfit round those and everything will be okay?

I’ve gone for a satin tiered sheath dress from Monsoon a British company – its slimming and I hope I look slimmer after all this effort.

I’m now working on the head and feet theory – if I pay attention to my hair and then my feet no one will notice the body in-between hidden by a very large clutch bag with a snarling Chihuahua on it...

I have spent this afternoon in my Velcro rollers getting my very straight hair to play curly for one night (fat chance).

I’m going to wear my super strength tights so they grip and hold just hope with some of this weight off the force of gravity doesn’t start to drag the top down and I have an unsightly bulge or second bosom effect after a few drinks.
I have also just eaten ham and eggs so I’m not going to nibble.

How do you motivate yourself.......?

2009-10-28T17:14:00.005Z

I’m obsessed with fashion and I hate being fat/ chubby and having a protruding belly and larger breasts as my clothes doesn’t fit or hang well.

Blouses and jackets gap and I feel people just see this rotund woman who bulges so I end up buy accessories and shoes and bags and sulk because I can’t find anything to fit and have huge dramas because I looking my bursting wardrobe and have nothing to wear – yes I have clothes but nothing to wear I feel comfortable in or look presentable in.

So I now have two dresses which I can wear they don’t bulge, gap or make me look like I’m pregnant. I’m only wearing those until the weight comes off & I’m going through all my accessories and shoes to make them look different so taking one black sheath dress I’m adding colour with pinks or reds and then if it’s an evening event – black and some pearls.

In effect I have a capsule wardrobe and I know I’ll get bored so the only way to break the boredom is to lose weight so the rest of the wardrobe opens up like a magic cave........

So this is the day dress – I call it my cocoon dress from Marks and Spencer – it’s a long sleeve shirt dress and is short enough to show my legs but not too much.........

I have been out today to Drapers and then onto another meeting with opaque tights and my super bargain ankle boots from Marks and Spencer’s ......... it was warm enough today to wear without a coat.

I feel hidden in this dress but it’s not voluminous that I feel I’m wafting in a huge tent.

Exercise.......

2009-10-28T00:20:00.001Z

Yes I know everyone hates it........ How you fit it in and if you’re not a gym bunny would you like to venture into a gym when you’re feeling fat and old NO.

So I’m now on day three of a new regime.
On Sunday the clocks went back so now it’s dark earlier so under the cover of darkness Mr. Biggie and myself go to Battersea Park and we do a circuit – on the final straight home we have a long path and I chase Biggie........... So I’m running and exerting myself and I’m raising a sweat and out of breathe but no one sees me.

Chihuahua chasing it’s a new discreet way of exercise for the 40+ woman

A blog a day helps keep the fat away..........

2009-10-27T23:28:00.001Z

After posting my lardy belly into cyber space aka the World Wide Web I thought actually blogging every day does help as I have to be accountable and it helps rationalise my thoughts.

What am I doing today will I fall into bad habits – will I scoff the wrong food because I didn’t plan ahead.

Here is a woman who plans her wardrobe out for a week........ Yes down to shoes, scarves, jewellery and of course shoes ...... but food no!

Then I’m bitching because I can’t fit into anything........... Well now no more.

Might as well let it all hang out there besides Sparks People and Fabulously 40 and beyond.............

The major things people never tell you.....the real facts of life.

2009-10-27T22:51:00.003Z

Don’t you think life is one big conspiracy people never let you in on the bad stuff......?

When you’re pregnant they say oh the endorphins’ kick in during labour and you forget the pain after and you have a beautiful baby – yeah when do they kick in when you’re delirious with pain and you have called all the medical staff every name under the sun and your partner well ....... let’s not go there.

You get to 30 years old with not a line or wrinkle on your face and on your 30th birthday you think okay getting older is not that bad ...... 30 and two days and you see some small crow’s feet or “laughter lines” and they just keep on coming and then the hair it either starts to go grey or you find more and more of the dammed stuff growing everywhere chin, etc;

Forties people say the best time of your life and you’ll enjoy it.... So much to look forward to but what they don’t say is after you have scoffed your 40th birthday cake and finished of the champagne a single carbohydrate must never pass your lips ........NEVER.

Carb’s are the enemy of the 40+ woman they stick like glue to your hips , your breast, your belly, your ribs , your ass ........like every bit of pasta, potatoes’, bread, rice and cake is welded to your body.

I never understood “a moment in your mouth forever on your hips” till now.....

Today I have now told my daughter it’s like telling your child there is no Santa or tooth fairy but I feel she needs to know. Alice is slim and fits in tiny skinny jeans and scoffs junk food and eats carb’s with every meal – scoff she may but when she hits 40 she will find out her mother was right !

So now I know Carb’s are the enemy why do I lust after lasagne, mashed potatoes, crisps........

Okay my scales were duff ........so I’m bigger and fatter than I thought.

2009-10-27T22:31:00.002Z

I had been working on the fact I weighed 174 lbs ............oh no I weigh in at 184lbs so I had kindly knocked off 10lbs.......... I went to the doctors and got the nurse to weigh me on her calibrated scales.

How do I feel about this – actually better as I now know that I weigh 13 stone 2lbs and I need to get to 11stone to be back where I should be. I know I have lost weight due to my clothes – I can now fit in some black jeans that have not seen the light of day for around 18 months.

So I’m now getting Alice to take a picture of the “offending” area every week in the same jeans so I can see the difference not just feel it and just add the pressure on me.

Invisible pants my big fat ass........

2009-10-27T22:00:00.003Z

As I have got fatter and fatter I have gone from slinky matching sets to larger and larger knickers ...... and obviously more conscious of my visible pant line.

So I now wear these huge numbers which are called "invisible knickers" – the other week I spent a horrible Sunday afternoon in a fitting room in Marks and Spencer trying to find a dress to wear which would look smart but also slim me down – yes I’m searching the racks of Britain’s best loved store for a miracle ! I know Sir Stuart Rose is in the middle of a turnaround but please even he can’t magic 15lbs away with a frock!

As I’m in the fitting room with a pile of dresses I’m bent over taking off my jeans and see my reflection in the mirror what a flattering pose my belly sagged forward in huge knickers and a vast expanse of white flesh ..... I could have sat on the bench and sobbed.

Four dresses later I find one – this is after Alice and the girl on behind the counter in the fitting rooms have given the thumbs up or down....

We came home and I thought enough is enough I have a huge wardrobe of lovely clothes I can’t get in and I’m trying to “look slim” when I should be trying seriously to get thin........

So that’s when I joined the Fab40 group and got back on Spark People.

I’m in charge now not searching for miracle cures.